Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Episode Five Rankings

So, as you all know by now, there were no 'Adaptability' posts this week because I just couldn't get my shit together to do them.  However, this means I owe you guys one kick ass rankings post--let's get it started.

10) Mario


I mean, am I wrong? Was Mario's attitude not seriously, obnoxiously out of order this week?  From pretty much the start of the episode, spouting RIDICULOUS things like "I'm super adaptable--I'm constantly overcoming the obstacles sighted people create for me everyday." Hold on one second: WHAT THE FUCK? This coming from the kid who's like "I want to be seen as cute and talented; I don't want to be seen as blind." this reeks of hypocrisy and just utter stupidity. I'm fairly sure that 'sighted' people aren't thinking of "how can I make this obstacle as difficult as possible for a blind person to adapt to?" when they're, oh, I don't know, designing doors.

Regardless of whatever the hell was going on with Mario this week spiritually (my guess? demonic possession) his performances were also weak as hell.  I don't know how popping your collar equals 'girls and money' or how either of those equals a character, but as Erik said, it read as nothing.  He basically just stood up.

And then, I'm sorry, but his last chance performance was not up to the standard he'd set for himself--it was like he'd basically given up.  Had he been able to really deliver something, we might have seen Abraham's name in that bottom spot, but Mario had run out of steam at that point--it really was his time to go.

9) Abraham

Oh, honey, what happened this week?  After being pretty much kicking ass the last two weeks, everything just completely fell apart for this one--everything was just so...strained and pitchy and forced feeling.  For once, I completely agreed with Ryan when he claimed that you looked like you were trying way too hard to get it right.  Honey, you nicknamed yourself "Aba-fierce".  Anyone capable of that is the definition of 'right'.

8) Ali 

I'm choosing these two shots of Ali to remind us of why she's still here--a vicious homework performance that easily could have topped Aylin for the win this week, and her basically teaching Abraham the lyrics to TGIF, whilst herself giving a delightful, energetic, and smooth performance.  Given these two performances, I would have almost been able to shoot Ali straight to the top of my list this week.  So, why is she so damn low?

Because this, like Baskin Robbins, was 31 flavors of awful, and Ali sampled each and every one.  It may have just been the mixing team, but regardless, what came out vocally in the video sounded like some 98 year old woman who smoked 3 packs a day.  I just simply could get over it, or how uncharacteristically bad her acting was to bump Ali up any higher this week.

7) Blake

Yeah. That. What.

As you guys know at this point, I didn't get to watch the whole episode when it first aired last week, and the only part I was able to catch was pretty much just this.  I was utterly blown away.  By both of them, obviously, but specifically by Blake--I had no idea he had that much singing ability.  Nellie pretty much shone over him, vocally, but his acting was undeniably lovely and moving, and he may have trumped her overall in this performance because of it.  Too bad about having pretty much the worst homework assignment performance in the shows history, because this performance, coupled with his fabulous video shoot would have gotten him pretty high marks otherwise.

6) Lily Mae

Um...you guys can check for me, but I'm pretty sure they forgot to put Lily Mae into this episode.  I originally had her quite a bit higher, because I couldn't remember her committing any grievous errors, but then I had to knock her down a few pegs when I realized that I couldn't remember anything she did at all.

I have to say, I've been a little disappointed with Lily Mae.  She's a rock solid performer and actress, and obviously a fantastic singer, but I just expected so much more 'oomph' than she's been serving up.  Every week she settles on good, when so many of these kids are pushing themselves like crazy, and excelling commensurately.  From the look of next weeks episode, it looks like she wins the homework, so let's hope that lights a bit more fire under her.

5) Nellie

So, now we know Nellie isn't going home any time soon, if there is a fair and just God.  She KILLED that last chance performance--the mentors pretty much had to collect their breath after that first couple of notes knocked it out of them.  It's good that she showed them that she's able to sing a little more traditionally, seeing as, you know, this is Glee and they like to strip people of their individual styles once in a while for a Katy Perry song or something along those lines.

Unfortunately, Nellie didn't give the most stellar performance in the video for me--sure, she could have been trying to portray kind of that ditzy Paris Hilton rich girl, but it ended up coming off a little awkward either way.  I would have loved to see her be a little more dynamic with her props.

4) Michael

Although there are two or three others whom I think deserve it more, I would be very happy seeing Michael take the win this season.  Certainly he's shown that he's the best male actor, a pretty damn good singer, and cute to boot.  Plus, he's in high school, which means he can easily pass for a high school-er longer than the majority the New Directions, several of which could have very possibly passed as teachers, before they were wisely written out of the show.

Anyways, I loved Michael's hilarious homework performance, as well as his fantastic showing in the music video--he definitely earned his safe spot this week, but I disagree about his position at number two on that chart.

3) Charlie

Scott Campbell rocks my world.

I have no idea what kind of meth the mentors decided to get all jacked up on, but Charlie was HILARIOUS this episode.  Scott Campbell may be almost as good as Cha Cha was, and he was pretty much the only boy who was able to sing that song at all.  Not only that, but he made it sound good, and as has become a Charlie signature, original.  Should have been top four this time around.

2) Shanna

Told you guys she'd be back!!  And KILLING, dammit.  I thought she sounded the best, singing that Alanis thing, and honestly, forgetting the lines just made it all the better for me--so damn cute, and she reacted FLAWLESSLY--the filler words even fit the melody perfectly.  Michael should take notes.

Anyways, there's only so much fawning I can do over Shanna without screen shots to back it up, but she was great in the video, energy yet again pulling all focus in her direction like a true actress--she's probably the best actor period, in this group--and her ability to instantly pick up the song and pump it out was admirable.  Get it, girl.

1) Aylin

Fierce. As. SHIT.  Girl had to take this crown at some point, and honestly, with the craziness that is my love for her and her voice and her potential, I'm shocked that it took me this long to give her her due.  Honestly, I was totally ready to give her the top spot after that first stunningly amazing last chance performance, and she's only been improving since then.

First off, I'll be perfectly honest: I'm not sure I would have given Aylin the homework win this week.  She definitely would have been on my short list (along with Charlie, Shanna, and Ali) but it really would have been quite the toss up between the three of them.  It probably would have come down to her and Ali in the end, and I'd probably have needed to seen each performance in its entirety to make that decision.

But HOT DAMN was her video performance the prime definition of SERVING IT, or what? I seriously just want to watch Aylin give me bitch face all day long, quivering with gay-delight.  And her vocal was absolutely stunning.  She's one of the only ones who really knows exactly how to inflect the precise emotion in her voice with the one on her face. and it's mesmerizing.

Keep killing it, sweetheart--lord knows I love watching you do so.


  1. Okay, I've been stalking your blog for a while now, and I just HAD to make this account to tell you how perfect your opinions are and how incredible this blog is. (As if you didn't already know.) Thanks for taking the time to do this. You're amazing.

  2. What DMF said-- I love this blog uber-much, and even though, as an academic snob, I support you putting this on the backburner for school and work, I am ridiculous sad that you won't be making funny comments all the time here. But I love the way you break this down-- so cool, and right on.