Monday, July 30, 2012

Tenacious Takedown

 "Who in here knows the definition of tenacious?"
"I'm guessing everyone with an 8th grade education, but aside from that: DUH."

Ali is seriously starting to make this competition into her own personal practice stage for Glee.  I mean, come on:


GIRL ROLLED DOWN THE STAIRS IN HER WHEELCHAIR.

One thing I will say about the amount of practice time and polish these kids get to put into their homework performances, is that is gives off somewhat of a rehearsed air; I generally got the feeling last season that the kids were somewhat more organically coming up with their own personal stamps on things.  This season, I'm not sure what exactly they're being ranked on, because they all are always so good.


But of course, whilst everyone else just looked kind of stabby, Ali yet again rose above, and presented herself in a way reminiscent of a phoenix rising from the ashes, all fresh attitude and killer vocals.

Oh, and pigtails.  Pigtails are REALLY tenacious.

"Of course you picked me; I look like a Spice Girl. Who could possibly be more tenacious than Posh Spice?"

Although, I have to say, this was one hell of an awkward challenge win.  Amber came thisclose to accidentally admitting to picking her for the win because she was in a wheelchair.  I mean, was it me, or did it sound a lot like Mercedes up there was basically lecturing Ali on how hard it was to be in a wheelchair?

 "So you're telling me, jockstraps are just slutty underwear atheletes wear?"
 "Right, I know what they are from athletics. Definitely NOT gay porn."

So say us all, wheels.


They didn't really give her any extra to do in the video, even though she did have that climactic scene at the end.  Overall she did really well, but she wasn't exactly exceptionally tenacious looking or giving off some stellar performance.

Then again, this video sucked harder that a drunken sorority girl at unlimited margaritas night.*

*margaritas are generally consumed through a straw

"I'm Not Freaking Leaving"


When Abraham inevitably writes his self-published autobiography, I suggest the title be "How I Effectively and Embarrassingly Ended My Career In Show Business".  Seriously, babe, I LOVE you to pieces, but that advil that they gave you for your ankle was almost definitely laced with some kind of PCP.  Never trust anyone on a reality television set, not even the medics, kid.

"I was supposed to be a laywer; I gave up a lot to be here."

Like your parents' hard work paying for college, and a salaried career.

Honey, just remember, you asked for bitchy. Well, now you're getting it.

 "Amber here is so tenacious, she broke here foot in rehearsals! Let's hear it for Amber!"
"Nice try Botox; I'm still suing."

How fabulous was she?  Also, how fabulously was she dressed? Clearly another member of the Glee costume gays' scorn.


What I find truly bizarre is that this was gearing up to really be Abraham's week: 'Survivor' should have been the perfect time for him to work in all of his trademark fierceness.  Instead, we got the twitchy diva stuff that's plagued him from time to time during the competition.  More on that later.


Except my screenshot ordering says we're getting into that right now.  Here's the deal: Abraham has a lovely tone to his voice, but he very obviously has no idea how to use it.  Pretty much everyone on the show has been pushing this 'androgynous' angle for him to pick up (Ryan, Nikki; and c'mon, like 'Man In The Mirror' and 'Bowie' were accidents) and all the while, he fought against their help, and insisted that he was BeyoncĂ©'s Asian twin.  Far be it from me to side with Ryan Murphy, but honey? You're 24, have practically zero professional experience, and these people who, like it or not, totally know their shit inside and out, and were basically handing you a role to play on Glee: try listening.


I originally was pretty flippant about this whole fiasco, until I noticed the fall Abraham took in the upper corner of one of the frames--his head smacks into that door really, really hard.

 "Can I get an icepack real quick?"
"Wait, icepacks aren't tenacious! You're trying to trick me! Fuck it, SHOOT ME IN THE ANKLE."

Of course, after that he starts going a little insane.

"Abraham playing up his ankle is what's screwing him up today."

Wait, Abraham is overreacting to him over-thinking something otherwise completely innocuous?

NO WAY.


Abraham was pretty good in the video--his voice ended up really working with the song, even though the whole thing was pretty intensely mixed.  He was just really, really cute throughout.


And this also had me really, really impressed.  This is what I'm talking about, with the androgynous thing: this Michael Jackson song is really tricky to sing, but Abraham's got just the vibe and voice to pull this kind of thing off. In a way, it's kind of sad he had to go home, because this episode you could really see just how far he'd come as a performer--it would have been nice to watch him continue to grow.


Instead, THIS HAPPENED.

I actually think instead of me telling you what I thought of this fiasco, that I'd just remind you of what the master of bitchery had to say:

 "Listen here you entitled little twink."
 "I am responsible for half the careers in all of cable and young Hollywood right now; I fucking fired Lea Michele for christsake."
 "And you think, what? Because you can make your voice sound like a lawnmower chewing through "Crazy In Love" that I'm just going to write you a role on Glee? The most popular show on cable?"
"I don't think so; this is how this is really gonna go:"
 "I'm going to give you the finger, and you're going to get your fucking moonboots off my stage."
 "Now leave my sight before I sick Jane Lynch on your ass."
 "..."
 "..."
"...so, no freaking role on Glee?"
  "GO."

Seriously, I'm am bowing down to that beacon of bitchery right now.  I have a serious new found respect for Asshat McBitchpants right now.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Episode Seven Rankings

So I've got a confession, this episode was SO hard to rank, that I almost let all these kids slide into the number one space this week.  And then I remember my role in this whole deal: THE BITCH.

8) Abraham

It might just be because I'm still a little annoyed about the androgyny thing (even after Abraham was nice enough to send me a link of his explanation on youtube) but I do feel that, sadly, Abraham merited the lowest ranking this episode.  I loved his video performance, but all of his vocals were strangely weak, especially his last chance one, where he completely forgot the words.

7) Nellie


Another unfortunate low ranking--Nellie had really weak parts in this episode, too, but her saving grace is that she always sounded fantastic, especially in her last chance performance.  However, Nellie was definitely one of the weakest in the video, and the weakest in the homework assignment, so the two of those ended up working against her spectacular voice to land her second to last for her last episode.

6) Michael


Stellar as Michael was in the video, it didn't escape me that he also had possibly the easiest character to portray this week, although I didn't take that into account.  What I did take into were everyone else's performances, which simply out classed him this week.

5) Aylin

Aylin had the same deal as Michael--actually, she pretty much tied him, technically, I just preferred her Madonna to his Elvis.  Had she put a little more effort into the homework assignment, she probably would have ended up in the top three for the week.

4) Blake


Blake had a FANTASTIC week overall, and was probably the best in the video, but at this point, you guys should know that I take a lot more than just performance into account.  While his acting was absolutely breathtakingly lovely, the three people above him managed to pull out three utterly unbelievable, memorable performances that simply outshone his relatively demure achievements.

3) Shanna


BELT TO JESUS IN A MEAT DRESS REALNESS YO.  This will forever be one of my favorite sequencing moments in this show--Shanna's voiceover of how absolutely miserable she was feeling, damn near tears as she spoke as the camera showed her eyes glistening with fire and determination.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is a STAR.

2) Lily Mae

Lily Mae really stepped her game back up this week--apparently a good little talk with Ms. Jane Lynch was just what the doctor ordered. because girl was on FIRE this week--I swear to God, her vocal range even grew an octave.  Lily completely dominated the homework assignment this week, and gave a pretty good performance in the video, despite not being given direction.  And then that LCP...STUNNING.  Had she not stuck her foot in her mouth right after it, Lily Mae might have been looking at her first number one spot of the season right now.

1) Ali


Not to take anything away from Ali, who would like invite us all to kiss her ass--second number one spot in a row, baby!!  Everything worked for Ali this week--she had a bit of Blake's breathless subtlety in the homework assignment, completely killed her vocals, and delivered an otherwise show stealing performance in the music video.  And from the looks of it, we better get used to seeing Ali on top for a while.

Brotherly Love


Sometimes, when I'm all alone late at night, I watch movies that open with shots like this.


So the episode begins with Michael and Blake yet again subtly expressing their undying love and passion for one another's heart, soul, and body in a manner designed to make the collective teenaged-girl knees of America weak.

But for real, this is getting to the point where I barely have to make any of this shit up.  I'm starting to get kind of invested in this love story we seem to have mistakenly stumbled upon.


I mean, come on: they stood next to each other ON THE CHORUS LINE. Isn't that like, a euphemism or something?

Anyways, because I'm running on what's essentially pure caffeine at this point, we're going to follow these two through the episode at the same time.  I think I've started to hallucinate alien spacecraft noises outside my window.  It's probably just some homeless man peeing on a trash can.

 "So I told Michael 'Why even bother practicing? Just spend as much time as you possibly can with Blake while you can before he wins this competition and dumps your ass for Matt Bomer.'"
"scraaaaaaaaaytch"
"The funny thing is, it's starting to sound better than 'Moves Like Jagger'."

Awwww, I kid. Michael seemingly got the note from some producer that they want to keep him around a bit longer, so he has to start acting more confident, even if it means shrieking like a pterodactyl into Nikki's ear piece.  In any case, he at least seems more comfortable with his hilarious failures.  Plus, it helped that he KILLED it in the video, but more on that later.

"Ps, I have a gay brother.  I'm going to set him up with Sam, and the two of them will live happily ever after as long as he's nice to me from here on out."

Well, boy knows how to play his trump cards, that's for sure.  Loyal twitter followers, it is now your job to secure me a date with Blake's Gay Brother--this mean war.

Anyways, I thought Blake's little shout out to his apparently non-sassy gay brother was pretty freaking adorable, and made me gush a little bit, and want Blake as my older brother, as opposed to my...friend.


You're welcome, adolescent girls and gay boys.


Starting with Blake...WOW.  At first when I saw this video, I was severely under impressed with Blake's role in it, but after learning that he was Boy George, I immediately got it: the mannerisms, the way he moves, Jesus, even the way Blake was singing this song were exactly how Boy George would do so if had to in this day and age.  An amazingly modern, subtle take on a character Blake just as easily could have turned into a cheesy Richard Simmons kind of act, and I have a lot of respect for Blake for choosing the road he did.


Michael didn't exactly follow up Blake's act in terms of acting and nuance, but what Michael did bring was a sense of pizazz and downright goofiness that the video was really about.  I mean, any video that includes beer popping boobs isn't exactly in Emmy contention, so I gotta give the kid credit for really letting it all out there, and somehow yet again managing to pull out a pretty stellar vocal, despite what we saw in the booth.

Good job this week, sexy boys.  Just try to be less clothed the next time you hang out together in bed, whispering sweet nothings in the others ear.