Wednesday, April 25, 2012

PRE-RANKING, BITCHES

So it's everybody's favorite time again!  I put these little wannaglees in their places, literally.  I don't really have anything to judge them on, but what fun are these things if I let like, facts get in the way all the time?

As always, let's start from the bottom:

14) Charlie

Oh lesbian Finn, you were pretty much bound to end up here.  Stop dropping acid before your interviews and we'll talk about moving you up a few places.


13) Maxfield

This one can go home whenever he likes, if I'm going to have to hear his spiel about his ex-girlfriend/jock past/little brothers and sisters or whatever every single second.  Dude, drop the histrionics and just try being good.

12) Ali

Until I hear her sing (she sounds like she's got some Cheno pipes on her) I think I'm going to be fairly unimpressed with this one.  I feel like I don't know anything about her, other than she talks like Miss South Carolina.

11) Shanna

The only thing I'm finding exciting about her is that she seems to have potential to become a vicious, raging bitch.  Don't let me down, Shanna!

10) Blake

Don't get too excited--the only reason you broke the top ten is because I want to see you shirtless.


9) Taryn

I'm not quite sure why, but I like this girl.  Her interview was a trainwreck, and her Michael Jackson fascination creeps me the fudge out, but I like her hair, and the way her voice sounds.  Somebody get this girl a five hour energy, and I think we may have a contender!

8) Michael

Yet another cute boy I want to see shirtless, basically.  But this one seems to have some pretty amazing talent backing him up--we'll see where this goes.  Right now, he's middle of the pack for me.

That will, of course, change drastically if he and Blake have to play out some love scene.

7) Aylin

As is this girl.  Initially, I was pretty much in love with her for being a potential bitch, but her interview just seemed so flat.  Honey, you'd better make good on that slut promise, or you're going to be slipping down the ranks awfully fast.

6) Nellie

Lindsay seems to have quite the soft spot for this girl, so I'm putting her in the top six.  She also gave one of the best interviews, and I'm kind of in love with the image I have of her in my head as this artsy Starbucks barista from the nineties.  Let's just hope she can sing.

5) Arnauz

I'm honestly not sure of what name I should be calling this kid by, but I've heard him sing, and that's all I care about at this point.  Plus, he's a sweetheart.  No way in hell he takes the crown, though.

4) Dani

The Lady Bieber here seems to have the advantage of having performed on reality tv before, and I'm kind of obsessed with her personality, and her parody of 'Baby'.  I think she may not be enough of an underdog to take this thing, though.

3) Abraham

After ripping him to complete and utter shreds, I kind of fell in love with Abraham.  I at least know I'll never be short on words to talk about him.  Stay strong, Kool Aid kid--I'm gonna need an easy target this season.

2) Lily Mae

Lil' miss Lily Mae may be my favorite, as well as one of my favorites to take this whole thing, but...well, I honestly have no buts.  She's adorable, she fits Glee to a 't', she seems to have personality, and be able to sing.  Honestly, she's great...

1) Tyler

But Tyler's got some kind of spark to him.  There's just something so sweet, and kind, and modest about him that I am absolutely in love with.  I also am DYING to hear this boy sing, especially after his anecdote about Sara Bareilles, which I also kind of hate him for.

So there you have it!  My first set of rankings for these kids, all ripe for the ripping.  Disagree?  Let me hear it--it's been too long since I've heard you guys trash me.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Meet the Meat: The Glee Project 2, Part 5

END OF THE LINE, GLEEKS!

Ali, 24
New York, NY
Ali has been a New York City actress and singer for more than three quarters of her life. She is a graduate of New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts with a Bachelor of Fine Arts, concentration in drama. Ali is paralyzed from the chest down, and has used a wheelchair since she was two-years-old. She strives to inspire other people with disabilities who want to pursue a career in performance to follow their dreams. Ali originally auditioned for “The Glee Project” at the New York City open casting call.

Yet another 'resume' entry.  The part concerning the disabilities is sweet, but I can't think of many good people who going around poo pooing someone's hopes and dreams because they're disabled.  I'm very curious to know where that came from, though--has she actually been through that, or was she always encouraged, and now sees how well that's benefited her?

Also, I know she's in a wheelchair, but the first thing that popped out at me was 'BOOBS'.  Like, WOW.

In other news:

Let's count how many times she says 'opportunity' and 'industry'.  Girl sounds a little bit like a Miss THC USA.  We get it, you're can't believe that you made it here.  Or that these cookies are SO GOOD.

I want to see these surf instructors though.  They sound like a good time.

Taryn, 22
Detroit, MI
Taryn has been performing for over 12 years, but prior to her audition for “The Glee Project,” she had never performed live for a casting panel. Also new to the traveling world, Taryn had never traveled on an airplane until her trip to Los Angeles for her audition. She is a trained aerialist who also enjoys hobbies such as cooking and painting.  Taryn was discovered for “The Glee Project” through an online video submission.

Oh...kay.  This doesn't even register as a blurb.  There's literally nothing there to distinguish her from a thousand other people.  A thousand other

This, on the other hand:


This would be the definition of a mess.  Was she drunk?  Why the hell couldn't she stay upright?  Why the hell did she make her entire interview about Michael Jackson?  And why is she talking about him in the present tense? HE'S DEAD, honey.  Like, for a while now.

Okay, I'll say a few nice things--I love that she used to force her cousin to be in the talent shows she'd make up, probably so she'd guarantee her win.  I'd also love to hear her sing like crazy--she sounds like she can rip it UP.

Alright, Gleek Project Babies, That's your new crew.  Let's hope they live up to last year!

Otherwise, consider them eviscerated. 

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Meet the Meat: The Glee Project 2, Part 3

Hit it, other fame whores!!

Maxfield, 22
Nashville, TN
Maxfield is a country singer/songwriter who is new to the stage since finding his voice last summer. In high school he was the stereotypical jock who played Varsity football. Now a student at Full Sail University, he has learned to overcome his past mistakes. To symbolize this, Maxfield wears a “promise ring” every day to remind himself of where he has been and to treat women with the same respect he desires to one day treat his wife.  His motivation for competing on “The Glee Project” is to win the respect of a girl he loved and lost.  Maxfield originally auditioned for “The Glee Project” at the Nashville open casting call.


NO. No, no, no, no, NO.  I think I have hit a wall with Ulrich, you guys.  This is a reality TV show, not a freaking soap opera.  Or the Hunger Games, for christsake.  I mean, props to him for figuring out EXACTLY how to land himself on a reality show, and almost guaranteeing himself (unless he completely sucks) a spot in the top six.  The only two things that will surprise about this kid are if: A, his story is legit; and B, if this girlfriend doesn't make an appearance on the show at some point.

Also, the word stereotypical is getting thrown around a LOT by the southern contingent.  Did they finally learn it?


Why is his interview so long and sad?  Why is his posture so awkward?  Why are you doing this to me, Glee Project?  After everything I've done for you??  God I need a gallon of chocolate ice cream and some prozac after this one.

Lily Mae, 18
Cape Cod, MA

Lily Mae comes from a very musical family. She has been singing all her life and involved with musical theatre for the past six years. Despite her lack of class attendance, Lily Mae was highly involved in extracurricular activities in high school. She is currently enrolled as a student at the Westminster Choir College. Even though she has performed for over 2,500 people at the Symphony Hall in Boston, Lily Mae still finds it challenging to convince people that as a full-figured woman, she can be any shows leading lady. Lily Mae originally auditioned for “The Glee Project” online and at the New York City open casting call.

FAVORITE.  I mean, past the fact that this girl is from my hood (Massachusetts, represent!) past the fact that she calls herself a full-figured leading lady, past the fact that she ALSO basically skipped all of her classes in high school, this girl JUST FUCKING POPS.  Like, awesome shirt, exploding with personality, fabulous smile, hair, energy, OMG I JUST LOVE HER.  Plus, it helps that she looks like she's legitimately in high school.

I'm really excited about this one, you guys.  If she can legitimately sing and act, I predict very, very good things for her.


AND SHE PLAYS THE UKELE.  YES.

"Oops, I almost swore." Adorable.


Arnauz, 24
Lanham, MD

Mario (Arnauz), a singer/song writer, has been performing in school concerts, gospel and chamber choirs, and at Washington DC area churches for nine years. He was born with Morning Glory Syndrome, which ultimately caused him to go totally blind at the age of nine. Despite his disability, he can also dance, act, and play the piano, guitar and drums. When Mario, a triplet, was an infant, his mother passed away. With his father out of the picture, his grandmother took him and his siblings in.  Mario attended several different schools, due to moving around a lot, and at each school he attended he did everything he could to assimilate with sighted students. He believes music has healing powers, and his love for the performing arts sustained him through the tough times. Mario does motivational speaking, comedy, impersonations and is a voice-over artist. He dreams of publishing his autobiography and landing a recording contract. Mario originally auditioned for “The Glee Project” online and at the New York City open casting call.

Huh?  Who plans so far ahead that they have 'autobiography' on their bucket list?

I'm really interested to see how his disability affects how he's treated on the show--if he says he can sing and dance, and play instruments, then I can certainly believe it, but I can easily picture Zach treating him like an invalid.


His video is pretty adorable--and the boy is a dreamboat.  He's a bit of an obsessive compulsive type, but I think how he explains it as working itself out when he sings.  I'm barely making sense anymore.  I just watched his youtube video where he sings 'Someone Like You' shirtless.  Glee says 'you're welcome,' ladies.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Meet the Meat: The Glee Project 2, Part 2

Let's get part three two rolling, while I fix whatever the hell happened to the last entry!

Blake, 19
Miami, FL
Blake recently moved to Los Angeles from Florida. He drums and juggles, but his passion is acting. Blake has studied acting and improvisation since he was a child. Upon arriving in LA, he worked a few odd jobs in his pursuit of becoming a professional actor. He loves to sing, but has never had a lesson. When he is not performing, Blake works as a parrot salesman. He has received some rejection during his time in Los Angeles, but continues to forge ahead because of the love he has for his craft.  Blake was discovered through industry channels to audition for “The Glee Project.”

...Chord Overstreet dyes his hair brown and auditions for the Glee Project!  Or, conversely, Justin Bieber on roids.

Seriously, isn't the resemblance to Overstreet like...eerie?  It's kind of creeping me out.  Don't get me wrong--boy is still awfully fuckable (I really hope he plays for my team, only so I don't swoon over another straight guy all season long) but seriously?  You've never had a singing lesson?  Oh Jesus, this is, as Damian would say, going to be a train crash.

Also, I fully support this kid's occupation as a parrot salesman.  No, I really did not make that up. 


...twenty bucks says this kid ends up in porn.

Dani, 23
Orlando, FL
Dani has been performing since she completed her very first talent competition in fifth grade and won second place.  At age 16, after attending a theatre magnet program in High School, she started teaching herself how to play the guitar and write original songs, and has since written and independently released four albums and two singles. Dani made it on to the Top 48 of “America’s Got Talent” season six last year (2011), and gained a devoted following of online fans from doing so.  She loves to mix up her acts with bits of comedy, rap, and audience participation. With such an independent attitude, Dani has expressed that she would want to play an androgynous female who bravely walks away from her Mormon upbringing if she ever got the opportunity to be on “Glee.” Dani originally auditioned for “The Glee Project” at the Nashville open casting call.

Who the hell puts 'second place in a fifth grade talent show' as the first line in their introduction to the world?  Seriously, people.

Anyways, this is apparently the 'Bieber drag' portion of our program.  Like, seriously girl, I know you probably tell everyone that Tegan and Sarah had that hair first, but it needs to GO.  Also, generally dressing like a preteen boy would have helped in making you look less less the Biebs.

Not only that, but couldn't they just have re-cast Ellis?  I'm sure their styles are completely different, but come on--Ryan Murphy would be writing the same exact part for both of them, with the imagination he's got.

Oh, and before I forget:


Somebody needs reality TV rehab.  Oh, this one's gonna be a fun time.


Now I want her to get far, just so she can do her Bieber parody on Glee.  She's really got that star power thing going for her.  And by that, I mean she looks like Justin  Bieber.

Shanna, 21
Auburn, AL
Shanna has been involved in the music scene for 17 years. She is an experienced tuba and trombone player, and has recently recovered from a vocal fold surgery. Determined to break free of the stereotypes surrounding her in high school, Shanna became involved in sports such as swimming, softball and basketball and also made time for show choir, band, color guard, beta club and Spanish club. She is currently a student at Auburn University. Shanna originally auditioned for “The Glee Project” online and at the Nashville open casting call.

Yay! A non-bieber!

Let's get real: this girl either sings musical theater or country, is probably really sweet, and is already boring me to death.  In her bio, it says that she tried to 'overcome stereotypes' in high school by basically participating in every extracurricular activity that would get her into college.  I would now like to know what stereotype she was fighting against, because acting like a crazy overachiever isn't going to get people to ignore the fact that you look like a crazy overachiever.

But hey, I like your dress!


 ...you get cut first, right?

Meet the Meat: Glee Project 2, Part 4

More of them? Seriously?

Abraham, 24
San Diego, CA
Abraham, a true newbie to the performance world, indefinitely postponed his admission into law school to pursue his dreams of taking on the entertainment industry by storm. Oftentimes, he finds himself relating better to women and believes that it is due to the absence of a father-figure in his life. When not performing, Abraham works as a legal aid and a bartender in San Diego. Although he has only been performing for a year, his most rewarding performance was on the streets of San Diego when he played for homeless people. With lots of hard work, determination, and a bit of sass, Abraham was discovered for “The Glee Project” through an online video submission.

OY.  Where do I start with this one?  First of all, if the most defining moment of the entertainment career has been performing for homeless people on the street, it may be time to pack back up for law school before you become homeless yourself.  Also, at twenty four years old, you should probably stop dyeing your hair with kool-aid, and learn what a karaoke bar is.

Oh who am I kidding--this kid is a freaking GOLD MINE of material for me--anyone who lists 'sass' as one of their strongests assets has to be easy to break, right?


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I honestly can't decide whether I am in love or about to projectile vomit.  Aba Fierce definitely leans towards love, but... then there is the rest of it.  He takes himself SO seriously that I have to believe that part of it is an act.  And honey, I would LOVE to hear you sing 'Someone Like You'.  Please make this happen.

Aylin, 19
Chicago, IL
Aylin has been an active singer for the past 10 years. She started the first female a cappella group at Loyola Academy, and is now currently a student at Roosevelt University majoring in vocal jazz performance at their music conservatory. Aylin comes from a very traditional Turkish family and, being Muslim, she has had trouble balancing who she is with who her family expects her to be. She constantly pushes those cultural boundaries in her life and music. Aylin originally auditioned for “The Glee Project” at the Chicago open casting call.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you your bitch for the season!  I could smell from the group sho, but it's the bio that really locked it in for me.  Anyone who describes themselves as an 'active singer' and founds an a capella group at a major University is also going to be a major pain in the ass.

But the thing is, girl is probably also seriously talented--just like my favorite bitch, Lindsay Pearce.  Ryan will probably string her along the same way, before dumping her for some more unassuming, middle-of-the-road contender.


Don't be fooled by the nervous exterior--once this girl has to play with the other kids, someone is catching a stiletto to the jugular.

Also, I love that's she's such a brazen hussy, even though her mother is positive that she's never kissed a boy before--get it girl!  Shove that fo' sho' ho' in mama's face!

Michael, 18
Chicago, IL
Although he is the youngest of all “The Glee Project” season two contenders, Michael does not lack in experience. He has been performing for over eight years and is already a member of a professional blues band. Michael was a Paul Green School of Rock Chicago All Star, has performed at the House of Blues in Chicago and has already traveled half way around the world to perform in Tokyo. Aside from his love of music, he has a passion for calculus and thinks it is a fantastic subject of study and thoroughly enjoys spending time in the kitchen. Michael was discovered through industry channels to audition for “The Glee Project.”


Well hey there.  Ignoring the fact that they aren't even trying to hide the fact that this kid is essentially a dead ringer to replace Darren Criss, I need to address a very important matter: is this kid gay or what?  I cannot decide to save my life.  At first I was like 'totally,' then I was like 'maybs,' then I saw the thing about spending time in the kitchen and I was like 'POWER BOTTOM."

But then...


WHY IS YOUR SEXUALITY MORE ELUSIVE TO ME THAN HIGH NOTES ARE TO TAYLOR SWIFT?

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Meet the Meat: Glee Project 2, Part 1

Alright, let's cut into some of this beef:

Nellie, 19
Tacoma, WA
Nellie has been performing for eight years and is a vocalist for a local swing band – the youngest member by 20 years. Aside from singing, she also plays piano and guitar, and she writes her own original songs. She works as a barista and her favorite performance space is in a small, cozy coffee shop. Nellie has a strong love for the arts, especially photography, and can often be seen at photo shoots on her weekends off. Nellie was discovered for “The Glee Project” through an online video submission.

So...Ellis part two?  Actually, I can't say that too fast, as there is already a much more striking Ellis double in the cast (you know who you are).  I'm predicting she's going to be the McKynleigh of this cycle; technically very good, but can't connect to save her life.

Anyways, I'm sorry y'all, but this girl looks like she belongs in a Gap ad...from 1993.  The most interesting thing I can tell you about her is that she is apparently a barista, which makes me think she works at Starbucks.  Girl?  Work that angle if you want me to like you.  And let the free lattes flow.

Is it just me or does she look kind of nauseated?


She's EXACTLY like Ellis, isn't she.  I like her attitude, though--very 'over it'.  She says she tends toward big band, but this whole notion of changing up songs is precisely what Glee loves.  Get at it, barista babe.

Tyler, 21
Boca Raton, FL

Tyler has an ear for music. He has been performing for 11 years, and is passionate about picking up and learning to play different instruments like the ukulele, for one. Tyler is very independent in his lifestyle and ambitions. When he was 18 months old he taught himself how to read by sleeping with maps and the TV guide in his crib. Currently he is a student at Vanderbilt University. Tyler is half black, half white, Jewish and transgender. He uses Lady Gaga as a constant inspiration in his music. Tyler originally auditioned for “The Glee Project” at the Nashville open casting call.

So Tyler here is apparently a friend of a friend of mine from high school, which means I have to try to be nicer to him...sort of.  He's written as being transgender, and I am very curious as to what that means.  Obviously he's defining himself as a male, but...oh God, there is no way of addressing this without being insanely politically incorrect, but he looks like Justin Bieber.

Bet you weren't expecting that.  He also looks kind of depressed for being chosen as one of the final 14 for a hugely popular reality show which could very well earn him a role on Glee.  What's up, Black/White/Jewish Bieber?  Lights too bright?



Awww, he's the sweetest!  And who else is totally stoked to hear him sing, if he can make Sara Bareilles do a double take?

Charlie, 22
Chicago, IL

Charlie is an actor and a singer. He has been performing for 15 years and earned his BFA in acting from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. He once performed in an alley in Vienna, Austria, which was part of his senior year choir tour through Europe. Charlie is a person with severe ADHD and low-spectral autism. Although life has often been a social struggle for him, he feels that he would not be where he is today without the support of his “team of superheroes” – the friends and family that constantly provide love and encouragement. Charlie originally auditioned for “The Glee Project” at the New York City open casting call.

YAWN.

God, these people all look so boring, don't they?  I literally just want to write about how much he looks like a lesbian dressed up as Finn for Halloween.  What the hell is up with Ulrich?  Can he NOT see the massive similarities in the looks of these kids and already existing characters on the show?  Damian and Kurt look like twins, for Christsake.

Anyways, Charlie apparently has ADHD and low level autism, which...I'm sorry, but how does that make you interesting?  My cousin has autism, but I wouldn't say that's what distinguishes him as a person.  I have ADHD, but I'm also a fashion student, part time blogger, and kind of bitchy.  The rest of his bio reads like a resume, and UGH, BE INTERESTING.

I miss Lindsay and her constant proclamations of how everyone else sucked already.  THAT was good television.


UGH.  This guy could not be any less suited for reality television, so of course the producers are probably in love with him.  And Jesus, stop talking about getting back to Broadway before you even start filming the Glee Project.

The kissing on the dish washer line was pretty good though, I'll give him that.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Guess Who's Back...

IT'S ME!  And you know, The Glee Project, so God help me.

Anyways, I'm not going to start now, but in the next few days, I'm going to start ripping into these kids with my completely unfair initial impressions.  Get ready, fresh meat--you're in for a good old fashioned ripping.


I don't particularly care about their names, but I will say right now that last years cast was significantly cuter.  Not a single one of these people looks even remotely high school aged.

What are you guys' thoughts? I'm personally rooting for the sassy looking girl from Cape Cod, and the cute gay boy in the vest next to her.  Something tells me he's closeted, but I have high hopes of hook up potential for him and the gaysian with the ridiculous dye job.