Sunday, December 25, 2011

I'm All Out Of Irish Jokes

You know what sucks about everyone winning?  I HAVE NO ONE TO MAKE FUN OF.


You guys, I honestly don't know why I decided the three remaining finale posts in one night.  It just seems sick.  But I love you guys, and super owe you, so...let's wrap this sucker up.

Oh Damian, you smoldering shamrock shake of sex, how to best put this?

You kind of...suck on Glee.  It's endearing, yes, and you have a half way decent story line, but the writers aren't doing anything with you anymore, and now you just do eye brow dances in the corner sometimes.  Also, the costume gays blatantly still hate you.

But hey, I'd still fuck you, which was the point of you getting cast anyways.

Back to the Glee Project of old, did anyone else notice the blatant vocal dubbing during Damian's solo in this song?  I'd like to hear the live recording, to see just how badly you have to suck to get dubbed because, I mean...


As it's been a few months since I've gazed upon his scrumptious Irish behind, I'm fully able to say this: Damian did the absolute worst in the music video.  Not like, horrible, just...boring and stiff, just like he was in the first video.  The editing staff completely left out any footage of him doing the day-time choreography, as well.

But again, still wouldn't mind getting some alone time with this boy in the back of a minivan.
In case you haven't noticed by now, I am trying to assert that the reason Damian won had NOTHING to do with talent (although he is truly gifted, and has a lovely voice) but entirely with his sex appeal.  Now, Ryan Murphy made absolutely no illusion that Damian won because of something other than his performance in this episode, as well as throughout the season--the premise of the show was to show Ryan that you had something that Glee was lacking, and Damian was one of those things.  Only problem?  Sam was essentially the same thing as Damian, but Sam actually merited it.  Why not just keep Damian in as a two-episode kid, like Lindsay and Alex?  I mean, sure, Damian was easily the most likeable one there, but it's kind of annoying that he WON because of that.


I find Damian's finale performance hilarious for two reasons.  One, all of a sudden he's like, "JK!  Totes not uncoordinated, LAWL!" Seriously, kid started busting out some seriously suave moves for this performance.  Granted, it wasn't anything that your reasonably talented brother-in-law couldn't drunkenly bust out at your wedding reception.  Two, GREEN.  EVERYWHERE. Just in case you forgot, Damian is I-R-I-S-H.

So yeah, Damian wins, and the only person surprised by this is Damian, as witnessed by his reaction.

And I have no idea how these posts are going to be in order, but this essentially wraps up season one of The Glee Project for me!  I'll still be doing a final ranking of all of the contenders, but that's easy--it's been done since October.

Merry Christmas everybody!  I hope everyone is just as excited about next season of The Glee Project as much as I am!



Forever Fierce

And now, Ms. Harmony herself, Lindsay Pearce!

It really almost looked like they were about to hand this girl a win some months ago, didn't it?  She killed the song, killed the video, and made the most 'personal growth' (as long as you consider making a girl feel like a horrible person for having self confidence growth) to the point where even I was like "Could this happen? Could these guys really be making the right decision?"

"We haven't stopped believing this whole time!"

Alas, no.  Ryan Murphy had money to make and straight boys to fondle, so of course the grand prize went to two boys who looked like Tiger Beat posters who liked girls.  I said it from the very beginning that Glee wanted a heart-throb, and hey, they got two.  But I also always said they needed competition for Lea Michele, and guys?

Girl TOPS Lea.  I mean, ignoring Damian (hey, the writers of the show have been for sure) is there any doubt of who really belongs on that show?  Lindsay's acting has thus far been superb, and the character they've created for her is funny, vicious, and deliciously divatastic: exactly what Rachel Berry should have been.

But anyways, back to that adorable hot mess we like to call 'The Glee Project.'

"These people are who I have to beat--and I will be FINE with it."

It warmed my heart to have unscripted, psycho-competitive bitch Lindsay back with us for just a moment, after the watered down, freaked out girl we'd been offered in the weeks past.  It must have felt good to just take a deep breath and say:

"I'm going to vocally murder you little fuckers."

 Come on--you could totally see it in her eyes the whole time.

You know, it's hard to write about this critically, because it was pretty obvious to anyone watching, but Lindsay yet again out-performed everyone else in the video.  The girl was just meant to have a camera on her at all times.

...*crosses fingers for a Lindsay Pearce reality show*

You know, I thought Gimme, Gimme had to be just about as weird a choice as Samuel's 'Jolene'.  The only difference is, and it nearly hurts me to say this, but Lindsay didn't quite make it work.  She sang it beautifully of course, but it was just too...expected a version of the song.  She made it perhaps a little too obvious that she was aware of the implications of the song from a production stand point.

Although any performance that can put that face on Nikki has to be pretty sublime, no?

We all know what happens next--Lindsay gets booted, and then hired to play Harmony, but wouldn't it be more fun to make up what she was thinking?

 "Wait, you're seriously going to pick a homeless man over me?"
 "Now you want to TALK to me after picking a homeless guy over me?"
"Damn straight, motherf*uckers."

So yes, Lindsay didn't get crowned, but come on:

"Next year's gonna be a blood bath!"

We all know who really won.

LIKE A Natural Woman

Alright Gleek Project babies, here it is:

The picture of American masculinity himself, Alex Newell.  Also known as 'the finalist who didn't have a shot in hell of winning this thing.'

Listen, Alex, sweetheart, you have a brilliant instrument with your voice, and you kinda sorta had half a shot at winning this at the beginning, really had to play the part of 'Glee cast hopeful yay!'

Not 'Courtney Love impersonator in training'.

Sorry Aretha Junior fans, but Alex getting fourth place was pretty much written on the wall from the get go. The last thing Glee needed was another gay character, let alone one that they edited to make look like a lazy asshole.  Anyone who's followed Alex on twitter know that he is quite the opposite, but let that be a lesson to you--never give reality television producers something to work with.  I lesson I'm sure all of us will utilize at some point in our lives.  Right.

Although I do love how the producers behind the scenes were probably telling them "Be energetic! Excited! Happy! You're almost there!" and Alex was probably so exhausted by this point that all he could manage was the occasionally crazy smile and high pitched scream.

How many scarves does this kid own?

Skipping over the bitchy recording studio incident, I actually found myself surprised at just how...good and energetic Alex was in the video, embracing his inner drag diva and sashaying his ass all up and down that rooftop like Karl was flipping his fan open at the end of it, screaming "Work my little Aretha puppet!"

Apparently I had whatever the gay equivalent of Wheaties is this morning.


If I'm reading into this at all (and let's face it, you knew this was coming) Alex probably figured something along the lines of "Oh shit, Asshat McWhatthefuckareyouwearing only likes it when I'm in a I'll have to get as close to Beyonce as possible in these jeans."  And thus, we wound up with him pretty much killing it in the video, in terms of energy.  Unfortunately, Murphy's mind was probably already pretty much made up at this point...slash since the beginning of the season.

Before I get to Alex's final vocal, can we talk about the costuming for this?  He's singing yet another Effie White song--WHY IS HE NOT DRESSED DIVALICIOUSLY?  Hell, forget that--why is he dressed in like, a table cloth?  He clearly ate some of the costume gays celery without asking because if they liked him:

This is what my Massachusetts homegirl would have shown up in, looking fierce as shit and literally dripping in sequins.  Not dressed in some high schoolers first sewing project.

As for the actual performance, honestly?

Sometimes a photo says it all: it was truly astonishing.  Sure, he relying on a little too much growling to get through it, but Alex really his his mark singing this thing: it's probably the reason he ended up getting a part.  Alex, contrary to what I had thought at the beginning of the season, really does have a tremendous voice--especially when he's really just letting it shine, instead of masking it with that high pitched shriek.  Just beautiful, powerful clarity.

So Alex gets a part, too, and the news makes him pass out and cry a little, but hey, who's gonna blame him for that?

Work it Aretha Junior! Can't wait to watch you kick some ass on Glee!