Marissa's story has literally reduced me to...I can't even type. I'm gonna start from the beginning and see if that gets me anywhere.
She did very well with this song--in my opinion, she should have won. Even over Emily. Clearly she grasped exactly what was going on with this week, because throughout the entire homework assignment, she looked nervous. And then once it was announced just how far the producers were going to make them go:
she locked into this miserable, terrified facial expression, and couldn't shake it.
"My heart is pounding."
Although I have to say, she portrays sadness beautifully. That second shot looks like an album cover. This whole scene between her and Nikki was really touching, and it was nice to see Nikki really try to reach out to her before backing off when she knew she had gone too far.
The editors were smart to focus so much of the episode on her face--the expressions that she had on signified true pain and suffering. I don't mean to be insensitive; I mean to commend her. It shows real humanity and compassion that she was so personally affected and moved by Alex's story that she felt the need to almost support him by revealing a much darker secret about herself.
This was the point that she had me near tears. Anorexia is a deeply misunderstood disease, and revealing it to anyone, let alone a crowd of strangers who don't know the first thing about you, must have been unimaginably scary.
"Wearing the sign is just as bad as I thought."
And I commend the filming department for being so sensitive and getting her in and out of there quickly and without judgment. She was barely in the video, but she sang and performed beautifully, as always.
Marissa has probably been met with people telling her to snap out of it, with this idea in their minds that anorexia is an affectation of vanity. People decide that you are stupid and egotistical, that you're an asshole because...well, look at yourself--you're so skinny and beautiful, how could you think you're fat when you look at everyone else? Think about how you thinking that makes them feel. How selfish are you?
In case you haven't guessed yet, I have also struggled with anorexia for a very long time. And I will tell anyone right now who wants to disclaim it as vanity: FUCK YOU. Fuck you so FUCKING HARD. I respect the hell out of Marissa for being able to do what she did, full well knowing just how divisively she would be received. I don't know how else to tell her I support her, but I definitely want to give her a hug.
You go girl.