Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Ones Who CAN Sing

First up to bat, and continuing with this adorable/hysterical yearbook theme, we have Most Likely to Be Rachel Berry on Ludes:

Oh Marissa, tell us how you really feel.

This is the photo that I think portrays her general opinion of the competition best: "What the f*ck are these OTHER people doing here?"  And to be perfectly honest, she has a legitimate point.  Now that we're assuming she thinks this way (because hey, if People Magazine can, why can't I?) let's look at this, again, objectively.

Having her open the song was just unfair to everyone: she got to establish a vocal standard that no one really had a chance of besting, especially given her 'I've been performing since I was ten' skillz.

She does have one drawback though.

She looks like she's bitchily passing out whenever she's singing.  Does anyone else remember that ANTM episode in season seven, where they had to combine awkward adverbs and verbs?  She would have done very well.  But anyways, I don't know why, but every time I think back to her outro in the music video, I picture her with her eyes rolling back in her head, fainting out of frame.

The best part of the whole episode for me, was when home girl ended up in the bottom six:

Producers be warned: next time you make this mistake, someone is losing a testicle.

Next up is Most Likely To Have Had This Competition Created For Him To Win It:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Cameron Mitchell!  He's like a sexy, non-parapalegic version of Artie, in that he sounds like Artie, if Artie was internally white as opposed to this soulful black woman we've all come to love and embrace.  But seriously, this kid walks onto set, and immediately has A, a gorgeous arrangement of two lines of Firework ready to go, and B:

Totally this woman's ovaries on overdrive.  "I see what you got going on there.  Now take off your clothes so I can take a closer look."  You just KNOW that second part was cut for, uh, timing.

Objectivity time: this kid is cute, non-treatening, immediately discernible (but not offensively so) and probably the best singer there.  He knows how he needs to sing, and from the looks of it, how he needs to act and interact in order to win this competition.  My one complaint?

"Most likely to be a nerd forever."

Kid is seriously lacking in self-awarness and personality.  Should have been "Most Likely To Live In Brooklyn As A Vegan Transcendentalist Indie Rocker."  Also, looks significantly cuter with glasses.  I don't know how I feel about that.

Then we have Most Likely To Not Make Any Impression At All And Be Eliminated In Episode Four:

Girl with same name of the high school on Glee!  Seriously, I know it's 'McKynleigh' (although it took several google searches to sort that one out) but...I can't help but just want to take her, shake her (hold her, squeeze her, t-t-t-t-try a little tenderness) and scream "STAGE NAME!!!"  I mean, how cute would the name "Mickey Abraham" be? SO CUTE DAMMIT.

Oh right, she did something this week, didn't she?

And by something, I mean running around the video set looking like a substitute teacher in a slasher film, staring her murderer in the face with a combination of terror and ennui.

It's really unfortunate that she is void of any discernible personality outside the milieu of 'nice' because she really does have a fantastic instrument to work with--something tells me if she caught some edge, she could really become a contender.  She's just not going to establish herself as something interesting because...well...I'll put it this way.  I've had friends from the South, and for some reason, Southerners seem to think that this sincere, quiet, debutante personality is interesting.  It's not.  Likeable? Of course. Relatable? Kind of.  Interesting? Not even a question.  Mark my words, this girl may be one of the best, most capable singers there, but she has definitely got an expiration date with her current trajectory.

1 comment: