Sunday, June 19, 2011

First Episode Rankings

So listen, I hope this doesn't hurt any feelings, but I rank people.  And my favorite kind of people to rank are reality talent competition participants. So what I did, was I took three areas of criteria--singing, acting, and persona--and gave each participant a score from 1-to-5 based on their performance in this episode.  I combined all of these scores, and those with the most points rose to the top of my list.  For the interest of suspense, I'm going to work backward from twelve.

12) Bryce

With virtually no singing ability, coupled with only okay acting chops, and a hot and cold personality, Bryce was definitely the right choice to send home this week, as well as taking the bottom spot on my chart.  Plus, how fucking vain was he with that 'heartbreaker' bullshit?

11) Matheus 

He cannot sing, he is completely incapable of acting or performing for a camera (seriously, his segments in the video looked like poorly produced, semi-pornographic youtube videos) the only things setting this kid apart are his unshakeable presence and infectious personality.  Plus, he was able to work the singing based mini-challenge to his advantage, and make it sound like he COULD sing. He may not deserve to be, but this kid will probably be around for a while.

10) Samuel 

In all honesty, I can't remember him at all except for his overly emo performance in the music video.  Couple forget-ability with somewhat better than average singing skills, and you see where he lands.  He, however, is the member of the cast who has the most inert, visual presence, which will probably work in his favor.

9) McKynleigh

I know that this chart seemingly corresponds to the time frame in which I predicted Bumpkin would be cut, but it's purely coincidence--I expect Samuel and Matheus to make it farther than I give them credit for.  Anyways, McKynleigh has got the singing down, but she needs to work on her acting and her presence.

8) Damian

Oh poor, sweet Irish boy.  You know you're in trouble after I put you in the bottom half of this chart after I've expressed my love for you.  FUCKING BELT SOMETHING.  Be the suave Irish boy we all know you are DYING to be.

7) Hannah

I remember her for all the wrong reasons--her little breakdown after the recording session, her self-esteem issues that she brings to the table every four seconds.  She's got a decent voice, and has alright presence, but Jesus, get the girl a valium.

6) Lindsay

Like, I still can't remember who this girl is, but I know she's a bitch, and that she can sing pretty well.  The bitchier, less talented Marissa.  And yet, still better than half of the rest of them.  Huh.

5) Ellis

I want to put her higher, just because I can SO see her winning this thing. She, out of everyone remaining, would probably be the easiest character to write, and the person she showed in the 'Firework' video was a completely different person than who we saw in the recording studio.  She can sing, she can act out a character, and she's got fantastic presence.  Something tells me she was put in the bottom just so she would take this shit seriously.

4) Emily

I like, don't even know what she's doing this high, but it's how my chart worked out.  Honestly, she's just SUCH a character.  The problem is, her character already kind of exists in Santana (slutty, manipulative latina girl) although Emily would probably make up a more J Lo latina--aka, a much shallower character.  Either way, she's one of the better actors, a decent singer, and she has personality and presence in spades. I assume she'll do fairly well but she won't win.

3) Alex

This kid is...ugh, I gotta sit down for this one.  Listen, I am all about the sassy, "I'm gonna be me" gay male. I kind of am one.  But at some point, I find myself asking is this his personality, or is he just being cocky because everyone thinks he can sing spectacularly?  In either case, the kid can knock out a note with the best of these kids, and he doesn't even need to act because his character is already written for him.  However, his vocals aren't as good as he thinks they are--they're mid-level with this crowd.  Problem is he's probably never been trained...partially due to the assumption that he doesn't listen.

2) Marissa

Surprised, eh?  Yeah, here's the thing: Marissa is a fantastic singer and actress--actually, her performances were in a league of their own with this crowd.  Cameron about ties her with singing, and Ellis and Emily might give her somewhat of a run with acting, but in the long run, this girl is operating in a completely different stratosphere talent wise.  Problem?  She's not present enough when she's not 'on stage'.  More than anything, the producers of this show are going to want a compelling personality that will make people make sure they tune in to watch the guest spot this character has, and thus far, Marissa is telling us a good deal about herself, but she needs to 'show' more.  I can't imagine her getting kicked off any time soon--even if she were to end up in a bottom three situation, she would crush anyone in this competition.

1) Cameron

I've said it already, but I'll say it again: this show was made for someone like Cameron to come in and snatch it up.  The producers are going to be looking for one of three things: a straight version of Blaine, another 'Kurt' or 'Brittany', or someone to act as a foil for Rachel Berry.  Cameron would be perfect for the former--he's just different enough that you don't notice that he's essentially the same heartthrob marketing machine as Blaine, but he'd also be straight, so that girls can swoon and buy his songs.  Plus, he can sing better than pretty much anyone the show is currently offering.

Okay, maybe not Mercedes.

So there you have it: your first episodes' ranking system.  Think I'm wrong? KNOW I'm wrong? Prove it--I love hearing what other people have to say.


  1. Maybe I watched the first episode too quickly, but I thought Emily and Lindsay were the same person. And before the credits rolled, I'd already forgotten the name/voice/backstory of the guy with the dreadlogs (kind of like dreadlocks, only apparently made of actual branches and poo). I think your Cameron claims are spot on, because the producers know who watches a glee spinoff on Oxygen: straight girls looking for a crush and gay boys who don't mind a straight fella who plays sensitive.

  2. "So listen, I hope this doesn't hurt any feelings, but I rank people."

    ...and Sammy jumps off the page with a loud crash through the crinkly paper. Ta daa!

  3. what happens to me while seeing the glee project is that i already see some of the personalities of this characters taken by the actual real cast, as you said in your ranking "emily's characters was taken by Santana"
    and the only one i can see as an actual new characters is Cameron, so i hope he actually makes it
    though there are others that i like, like our suavee irish boy, the dreadlocks guy, and i actualy like Emily but she i so not gonna win xD

  4. Cameron pretty much has this in the bag, don't worry.

  5. I like---
    Marissa-she's got a voice, style, looks aren't too bad, and she hasn't annoyed me yet. :)
    Damian and Cameron- what's not to like? Good looking classy boys who aren't obnoxious "look at me" reality tv types.
    Emily- okay, as much as she annoys me with her complete bitchiness, at least she's amusing.
    Lindsay- she's got talent and looks, and the show made her look bad last week...and I don't think she deserved it
    Mckinleigh- yeah she had no personality.... That they've shown us so far. She's mentioned less than Hannah! But she can sing, and she ain't no begged for attention either. (those types get on my nerves in reality tv)

    That would be my list. Im not particularly attached to any of the others...yet!